Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Grief and summer


today is a very quiet day.  its after three, and the students just finished their lunch break.  I'm drinking tea and am about to smoke a cigarette.  I'm feeling meloncolly.  I've been slowing down, and really enjoying the company here.  it's given me a chance to realize how much tension I carry on a daily basis in LA.  In particular, I find myself feeling sad because I realize how much of my time isn't spent in a beautiful place, in the company of friendly and open people.  life is short and I am so in the habit of being stressed out.  I miss out on so much.  Sometimes, I become furious that the divine would have wrought such things.

I've really been feeling a sense of cyclicality since being here.  When I moved here in 2006 is when Nicole and I started dating.  We shared many beautiful things here, and the memories are still fresh, not having been here since then.  Being here now, and being single, really gives me the sense that I'm starting a new cycle - just as a very different, almost new person.  There are so many beautiful people here, it's really been a joy to relate to them on a deeper level than I would have been able to in the past.  Nonetheless, I still have a deep sense of grief for the things I've lost.  

This is also the first time I've been here in summer.  The other night, a friend and I swam in the river, while a light summer rain fell.  The moon was full behind the clouds.  Everything, including the water, was black.  Only the lightness of our skin shown.   Enchanted.

That's all for now.  wish me well in my travels. 

adieu

Monday, July 15, 2013

Almost There



That's a 23 pound bag you're looking at, two days out from three months of traveling.  Cool, calm, and  collected.  Ready for the slaughter.

Friday, July 12, 2013

The Nots

I'm going to be traveling for almost three months and  I've been reflecting on what is going to be the most difficult part of things.  Constantly being in new places will be interesting, but probably at times overly taxing.  In particular, getting enough food and rest will probably be the most important things for me.  So if you want to keep me in your prayers and send me good vibes, I'd appreciate it.

The things I'll miss the most:
1) my room.  it is my space ship through life.
2) my family, friends and cats.  sometimes its hard to be a pimp, know what I mean?
3) the korean spas. if you don't know, now you know.

Anyway, I look forward to seeing you all later!

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Kind of Auspicious

Today I kissed the breast of the universe.

And the impossible happened:
It rained in July.

And as the drops came down,
and we burned old, hard wood,
I burned all my marriage's love letters.
As the rain came down.

Today I stared deeply into the blue-green eyes of the ocean.
Rabbits sat around my feet
and little fish leapt high from the sea.
A gray sky was split with orange and purple.

All in a day

thank you

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Time to Meet the Fam

So who were these damn ancestors I keep talking about?

Ancestor #1: Andreas Keller.  Died at the hands of Bolsheviks (literally).

Luckily, a lot of my work has been done for me, and my mom had most of it at hand.  In general, my family can be traced back about 300 years, to circa 1700.  Before this, it seems records have been destroyed by centuries of European warfare, but general trends can be followed.

The most recent records we have are fairly clear though: names; dates of birth, marriage, death; and locations of each.  They aren't totally complete, but definitely enough to give a good picture of where my family came from.

Dad's Fam

On my paternal side, both of my grandparents ("Oma and Opa") families are clearly from Alsace, France.  This is the region immediately on the German border, and is arguably more German than French.  It has been a political football for a long time, as in the last 2000 years.  This region is little know as the first home of the Celts, circa 1500BC.  Notable invaders include the Huns circa 400 AD.  Then there were the Romans, Franks, Alemanni, Holy Roman Empire, French, Germans, French, Germans, French.  You get it.

My father's parents were Flecks and Kellers.  What is interesting is that both families can be clearly traced to Alsace (circa 1700) with no branching - there doesn't seem to be any people from outside this region marrying into the family.  So my father's side is clearly Alsatian.  But how long were they there before that?  I have no idea.  The center of Europe has seen nearly continuous political change for 2000 years.

Another interesting point is that both the Flecks and Kellers made the unfortunate seeming decision to relocate to Russia (Odessa) circa 1810.  Although they were initially successful there, they were ethnically German living in Russia, and come 1910-1945, were brutally persecuted and nearly wiped out.  Finally, in 1955, they moved to the USA.

Mom's Fam

My mothers parents ("Grandma and Grampa") are a little more complicated.  Her father was of northern European decent.  His surname was Dietz, but looking over his family tree, the name Bos and Schuster were also fairly prominent.  The Dietz line was clearly from Denmark.  Circa mid-1700s, the family lived along Denmark's southern border with Holland (note here the proximity to the border).  As time progressed though, they moved steadily northward, and the last Dietz born in Denmark lived in the northern most part of the country before emigrating.

The Bos line was clearly from southeastern Holland, again very close to the German border.  The Schuster line was, curiously, from Lorraine, which is directly adjacent to Alsace, and immediately on the borders of Germany, France and Belgium.

My mother's mother was of Irish decent.  The first most prominent surname in her lineage is Fitzgerald.  The Fitzgeralds were Norman invaders who arrived in Ireland circa 1200AD , and became fairly well established in southeastern Ireland, county Waterford.  It seems likely that the Fitzgeralds were originally Gherardini's of Italy ('Mona Lisa' was a Gherardini).

The second most prominent part of my maternal grandmother's  lineage lies with the Campions and Doughertys.  The Campions were, again, Norman invaders.  I didn't have much information on them, but that alone can give a decent idea of their past.  The Doughertys, on the other hand, were Celts who settled in far northern Ireland circa 1600 BC, and lived there till driven out by Cromwell in 1600 AD.  That's something like 3200 years in the same place!  After that, their migration is fairly well known, and they all emigrated to the USA in about 1846, as the potato famine devastated Ireland.

So....

One of the most prominent things to notice about the various families is that, for those in Europe, they all lived very close to a national border.  What are border regions?  They are those of the most instability and complexity.  Often the people there don't fully belong in one country or another.  Also, borders are risky, but offer rewards to those who can exploit them.  I think its arguable that my family has long history of being 'in-between'; never settled, never really secure.  Having discovered this, it makes a lot of sense that I'm looking back and trying to discover when and where we ever had a stable and safe homeland.

One of the other most interesting points is the strain of Celtic heredity.  While the Doughertys have clearly strong ties, it was very surprising to discover that the Celts originated in central Europe, precisely where we have considerable family roots.  It is true that the Celts were pushed out of central Europe with the arrival of the Romans circa 0 AD, it is also true that the ancestral energy of a people cannot be wiped out.  It will continue to live in its homeland, and attract the original inhabitants back to it.  So from a spiritual perspective, it is evident that my family has deep Celtic ties.

As a final aside, reading about my families history, and the history of Europe for the last 2000 years, the amount of human devastation is unbelievable.  Wars and famine were the primary cause of relocation.  Especially as today is July 4th, it seems very obvious to me that people are quite loyal to their nations, but their nations, on the other hand, seem to consider them disposable.  Another good reason to let go of technology.

Phase II: of planes and plans

Phase II: the Plan

It was no coincidence that my last day of work was the first day of summer.  And as it has turned out, I'm going to need literally a season to pull this off.

Destination #1: upstate NY
I leave July 17th for upstate New York.  I'll be spending over two weeks at the Blue Deer Center.  First I'll assist on a retreat, and then take a retreat myself.  How much do I value my physical/mental/emotional/spiritual health? A LOT.

Destination #2: Google marks the spot

Then, come August 2nd, I board a plane for Dublin, Ireland.  Did you know I hate flying?  It's probably the most disliked thing I choose to do.  You probably also didn't know that four of my astrological signs are the goat.  I really prefer to have my feet on the earth.

From there I'll fly to northern Europe, and continue my decent through time, space and history.  By the end of August, I will find myself in southern France, and that will formally end my familial tour.  But not the end of the trip.
Destination #3:
The Way of St. James
In southern France I will begin a 500 mile walk to the 'end of the earth'.  Starting in Saint-Jean-Pied-de-Port, France, I will travel west along the Pyrenees Mountains of Spain, hopefully covering 14 miles a day, for 5 weeks, on foot.  My destination is Santiago de Compostella and then Cape Finisterre.  Santiago de Compostella ("Saint James in the Field of Stars") is the final resting place of one of Jesus' disciples, and is an ancient pilgrimage destination, commonly known as 'the Camino'.  Finisterre was named by the Romans as 'the edge of the earth', as it was the farthest west place they knew of.  The region has pre-Roman, pre-Christian history with the Celtic people, and so is a very special place.  I will have to describe more of my desire to do this later.

Finally, October 7th I fly from Madrid to London, and October 8th, board a non-stop flight to Los Angeles.  Thank God.  I'm sure I'll be very glad to be home.  You might not suspect it, but I really am a home-body...

The horse is out of the barn. Ancestors, manifestos, etc.

I'm finally moving out!

(temporarily)

Mid-June it struck me that it was time to leave my high power, high paying job as a professional bottom wiper and walk the walk I had been talking. Over the past few years, I've had a growing interest in who my ancestors were (are?).  This has grown out of my exposure to indigenous peoples - let me explain:

Nowadays, we take it for granted that we can get what we want, when we want it.  Open the tap, and water flows.  Go to the store, and take food off the shelf.  Turn the phone on, turn the phone off - instant access or privacy.  But for 99% of the time humans have lived on the earth, this wasn't the case - we didn't have the technology with which to control our environment.  Peoples' lives were completely interwoven with their surroundings.  Especially for 'original' peoples (those with indigenous roots), their lives were sustained through relationships of exchange, to a degree we probably can't comprehend.  In particular, it was the living and present spirit of a land that nourished and allowed a group of people to live on it.  As can be seen today in (remote) indigenous cultures, it is a bedrock of well developed relationships with everything that allows life to continue. This is the basis of true environmental sustainability. (More on this later...)

Just like a husband and wife, there is a specific relationship between a given people and the land they are indigenous to. A specific group had specific traditions that tied it to a specific land.  One way you can see this is in the constant 'churning' of people over the last few thousand years - for European peoples (like me), these traditions were lost with the growing reliance on technology.  So people keep moving because they can't find their actual, ancestral home.  Dumbasses.

Learning about these sort of relationships has drawn me into wondering, who were my ancestors?  Where did they call home?  Where are they indigenous to?  Can I find any vestiges of the relationships that originally gave them life?  So my plan is literally to go to the places they lived, sit down, and listen.  Is there anything still speaking?  Am I someone from that place?

So there it is - my raison d'ĂȘtre.